Here’s a pro tip – Stop Mothering My Child!
One would think that this would be fairly easy to understand. Not your kid, not your say. But you know what? The world is full of people who are better at parenting your child, than you! Who would’ve thought? But here’s a new flash – my kid’s mother, has a name, her name is ME! So unless we happen to share that name – I suggest you keep your comments to yourself.
I hear it more and more how mothers, mother-in-laws, grandparents, siblings, random strangers in public, all seem to know better than the child’s actual mother. Well sorry busybodies of the world – you’re WRONG!
We “millennial” mothers have it hard enough as it is today trying to fend off the stereotype of “lazy millennial”. Incase you were wondering – being a mother is NOT for the lazy.
We hear constant criticism that millennial moms do this and do that, and don’t do this and don’t do that. Yet, the two we hear the most is that we are ungrateful for what we have, and that we are lazy. Well my friend said it best, “You raised the kids you’re complaining about. Deal with it.”
Yes we do things differently, but you did things differently from your own mother. We have grown in our parenthood journey with knowledge you didn’t have available. No, we aren’t overly protective because we enforce car seat safety. Even if your kids, “survived just fine.”
Do you want a trophy now?
Last time I checked, your generation survived while mothers were drinking and smoking throughout pregnancy, doesn’t mean we should do that either.
Reality check – survival is not a metric for how well one did. But guess what, THAT’S OK! Why you may ask? Because you did the best you could do with the information you had. So please STOP judging us “millennial” mothers for using the information we have.
If we modern-day moms are a little less up our kids butt at the park, or anywhere else for that matter, it’s because we know their abilities, we know what they are capable of, and we know that they will benefit more from not having us hover over them. We allow them to explore the world they live in within safe boundaries.
We are not neglectful. We are not ignorant to legitimate dangers, and no it does not make us lazy! A child psychologist once told me, one of the greatest things we can do for our children is to allow them to grow through INDEPENDENT play. It allows them to make mistakes, see exactly what they can and can’t do, and problem solve when needed. If you rob a child of those experiences and always step in, guess what you’re encouraging? You’re encouraging a generation of ,”lazy, helpless adults, that can’t do anything for themselves.” Sound familiar?
I (let me repeat, I) as my child’s mother, know what my child can and cannot do. I know where the boundaries are for him or her and I enforce them when necessary. But I will not build them a bubble. I will not be their safety net. I will not intervene when they’re having a tougher time figuring out a problem, when I know if they just stop and think they will soon figure it out, and learn something. What I will do, is watch my child explore the world around them. I will watch the proud expression on their face when they conquer a new skill. I will cheer them on when they have a new victory, and I will kiss their booboo and wipe the tears from their face when they get hurt. I will be their mother!
It is my job, not yours.
If a mother is around her child, assume she’s paying attention as any good mother would be. Yes we get distracted, but somehow even in those moments our child survives. (Funny how that metric is suddenly applicable.)
It’s amazing that our kids can function without these extra “mothers” around to step in when they feel their real mothers are not adequate.
I don’t care if you’re, my mother, my mother-in-law, my best friend, or a random on the street, if I’m around, I got it. Thanks, but no thanks! Keep your comments to yourself. There is a time and place to voice possible concern and it is not while I am mothering.
So to recap for those that might need a refresher course.
1. My child has a mother, you are not her
2. Millennial mothers are not lazy – we are different – the same way you were different from your own mother
3. If a child’s mother is around, keep your comments and urge to mother, to. your.self.
You raised your child, so let us raise ours.
Edited to add: This is not in reference to the Good Samaritan who may stop a child from walking into the steeet, or any other truly dangerous situation. This is purely speaking to cases where the child’s mother is actively parenting, and another person feels it appropriate or necessary to mother along with them. As I said above, advice is appreciated at the right time, it isn’t in the middle of parenting.
“a little less up our kids butt at the park” hahahah YES! Independent play is SO important! It’s one of the things the 1960’s moms (sort of) got right! Good for you for letting your little ones explore and understand independence and safe boundaries.
Thanks mama! It’s definitely something I’m thankful my own mother encouraged!
Yes! this can get so frustrating at times! I feel like it can be especially bad because of social media.
Oh totally! Mommy wars are ridiculous!
This is so on point. Amazing how it’s ok for one to do something because “they know” but yet if you get off their “right” it’s plainly because you’re an ignorant on the subject. Seriously “my child has a mother, you are not her”
Yep!! Such a double standard
Amen!! My two year old daughter is an amazing climber – she’s all over everything at the playground and I know she’s fine. But so many other moms are always hovering around her – worried she’s going to fall. Then I feel pressure to hover around her too. But I know she’s going to be fine. My 4-year-old son, on the other hand, is clumsy. Luckily he’s also super cautious – but if he starts climbing, I’m right there with him.
We know our kids best. Great post!
See! You are a great mom and know each individual child’s abilities! You’d think we were all clueless with how people want to constantly step in 😂.
YES! To all of the above! I’ve definitely blown up at my own mother over this a time or two. I know that she usually means well, but I’m perfectly capable of watching and disciplining my own child. I know I’m going to make a mistake or two, but that’s how I’ll learn how my child responds and what works for us as a mother and child. My mom wasn’t perfect, and I’m not going to be either…but I love my baby with everything that I have!
Exactly! If they keep stepping in they’ll keep perpetuating the mentality that we “modern moms” can’t do it ourselves. Well allow us to and we will!
Girl yes! I get this so much about what I should and shouldn’t be doing with MY child. I’m sorry if my parenting is different than yours but I know how to ask for help when I need it. 😂 Unless someone asked you please refrain from telling me what to do. Thanks 😘
Seriously! I just want to say “check yourself” every time I’m actively parenting and someone has to stick their mothering in where not necessary.
Thank you, Martina! This is one of my biggest pet-peeves! If someone is baby-sitting for me, yes feel free to correct my children, but not when I’m present. Even if their intentions are to be helpful, it just makes me feel inadequate and awkward. And what message does that send to our children??
Exactly! There’s a different in being a Good Samaritan when you see something TRULY unsafe. Kid walking into the street. But if mom is actively paying attention, not your place. Yes talk about confusing!
So true! I love that you included the fact that having more information allows us to make different choice. This isn’t about shame or being better than one another. It’s about doing the best we can with what we have in the moment we are in.
Yes! With more knowledge wouldn’t one hope we made more educated choices. It doesn’t mean we are judging theirs. I think in some ways it makes them feel threatened, we do it differently so we must think they did it wrong.
Yes! My mother really struggles with this concept. It’s like she stills sees me as a child, but I’m a mother and the way I choose to mother my children needs to be respected. You totally hit the nail on the head with this! Just because we choose to do things differently, doesn’t automatically make it wrong.
Right, when did different become wrong? Especially in the “live and let live” society 😉
This is my pet peeve. You said it so well! MY CHILD!!! It’s OK I’m sitting on the park bench and they’re sliding down the slide, it’s OK if they’re building Legos and can’t figure it out and struggle for a bit that is called problem solving really and truly I’ve got this 😉
Exactly! You’d think the playground was the new cage fighting scene with how overbearing some expect us to be about it.
Spot on. Our moms and MILs might have a wealth of knowledge, but they sometimes fail to remember that it was attained through trial and error. We need time and space to grow, to figure things out, and criticism isn’t helpful.
Yes! I’m pretty sure they were just as annoyed if and when this happened to them. Allow us to gain our own wisdom, stop expecting us to have it from the moment our child is born.
Yes! All of this. Mothering is hard enough as it is without friends, family, and complete strangers making you feel like you are doing it wrong. You know your children best. Everyone else needs to butt out!
Exactly! And what is with the random person in the store – do you even have kids?! Even if they do, not their place!
You have really hit the nail on the head! I see my children daily and watch them interact with their environment. What you are trying to stop them from doing is something they do about 100 times a day! And they’re still fine. Thanks! Other people have taught my children to be scared of things they were capable of for months or afraid to try new things they would have normally jumped into. It just breaks my heart to see them stifle such wild and free souls. And for the record, most major injuries in my kids’ lives, the kind that make them fearful to try something again, have come under these peoples’ watch, not mine.
You’re not alone Mama! Thank you for expressing what so many of us are feeling!
Girl it’s like you read my mind! Same here!!! Major injuries have not happened under my watch… interesting isn’t it.
Yes!! So much this. No, you don’t know what’s best for my child, no, you don’t t need to intervene, no, I don’t want your opinions or advice. I wish that all of these “helpful” people would stop and think, “Would I have wanted this advice when I was a young mother?”
Doubtful.
Right?! That’s the crazy part. Had this been them, they would’ve lost it. Well then why do it to us?
YES yes yes!
Such a timely post! This definitely speaks to the way I’ve been feeling lately. It feels like we, as young mothers, can’t do anything right these days. If we stand too close to our children and keep too close an eye out we’re hovering, but if we step back and allow them freedom we are neglectful. It’s incredibly frustrating! Thank you for writing this!!
Yes!!! It’s still frustrating! My goodness how about people back off and allow us to mother. There are neglectful parents out there, but my goodness that isn’t the majority of us so why assume the worst?
Generally my mil (who has the same name as me! Weird!) is supportive but no, my child doesn’t need therapy just because she’s crafty and snuck out the front door and no, she’s not an out-of-control wild child just because she knows how to throw some epic temper tantrums. I wish people would only give advice when we ask for it!
Yes! I really don’t understand why this is so complicated?!